In a recent BBC lecture, former England football manager Sir Gareth Southgate expressed deep concern about young men spending excessive time “gaming, gambling and watching pornography,” emphasizing that what they truly need are better role models.
His talk resonated with audiences around the world – showing a growing concern that too many boys are facing a leadership gap that the digital world is all too ready to fill.
In his talk, Southgate noted that “Too many young men are isolated. Too many feel uncomfortable opening up to friends or family. Many don’t have mentors – teachers, coaches, bosses – who understand how best to push them to grow.”
Rather than leaning on the wisdom and guidance of positive mentors in their physical environments, many boys and teens find themselves increasingly reliant on messages they hear online. The question is, are they learning the right lessons?
A Role Model Void in a Digital World
Children have always needed role models—people they can look up to, learn from, and aspire to emulate.
Traditionally, these figures came from their immediate communities: fathers, teachers, coaches, and others who could provide that necessary hands-on guidance and care.
When boys were unsure, they had men to ask. If they were afraid, they had a mentor to cling to. This type of reciprocal relationship helped everyone grow stronger through accountability and shared responsibility.
Today’s world looks far different. Due to societal shifts, many boys grow up with fewer in-person male role models. Millions of children around the world live without a father or similar male role model in their lives, leading to what is now being described as an “epidemic of fatherlessness.”
This absence creates a vacuum that digital spaces quickly fill – and with it has come, In Southgate’s words, “a new kind of role model, one that too often did not have their best interest at heart.”
When Digital Voices Replace Real Mentorship
Into the space left empty by absent men have stepped online influencers, a series of separate-yet-always-available voices that wield incredible power over young minds.
While many use their platforms responsibly, others promote harmful messages that can have a detrimental impact on young, developing minds:
- Toxic masculinity narratives that equate manhood with dominance, emotional suppression, and misogyny
- “Alpha male” rhetoric that divides men into “winners” and “losers” based on physical appearance, wealth, or sexual conquest
- Anti-social behaviors packaged as rebellion or authenticity
- Unrealistic lifestyle expectations that create anxiety and inadequacy
These online spaces – often referred to as the Manosphere – can be particularly dangerous for vulnerable boys seeking guidance about their identity and place in the world.
When legitimate questions about growing up meet algorithmic recommendations pushing increasingly extreme content, the results can be devastating.
Many young men are at an increasing risk of fearing failure, likely because they have had so few chances to encounter failure and overcome it with a trusted male guide by their side.
This fear can quickly become a perfect storm combined with the isolation many boys experience. Without trusted adults to help them process setbacks and develop emotional intelligence, many turn to online voices that offer simple, albeit problematic, solutions to complex feelings.
The Three Foundations Boys Need
Drawing from Southgate’s lecture, there are three essential foundations that help boys develop belief in themselves and resilience to life’s challenges:
1. Identity
At their core, boys need to understand who they are. They must know their values, strengths, heritage, and place in the world. A strong sense of identity provides an internal compass that helps them navigate external pressures.
It’s a natural part of growing up – asking questions such as “Who am I?” and “Who are we as a world?” Owning one’s story and taking part in that story as an active participant requires self-knowledge. This includes understanding and acknowledging one’s emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.
Yet, many boys may struggle to develop a strong sense of identity. This combination of a lack of guidance and a reliance on “online leaders” can create the pressure to compare themselves with others and find themselves lacking.
Instead of building their own identity, they are often left to take on the mantle created for them by someone they’ve never met.
2. Connection
Real, meaningful relationships give boys emotional safety nets and mirrors reflecting their true value. These connections might be with family members, teachers, coaches, or mentors – but they must be authentic.
“Real connection – the kind that gives you belief and resilience – is becoming harder, not easier, to find,” Southgate observed. “You can have millions of followers online and not one person to turn to when you really need help.”
When this connection is missing, boys may turn to false relationships – and in a world where connecting online is often driven by money-hungry algorithms, we find that these connections often lack sincerity and depth.
3. Culture
The environments we create around our children – at home, school, and in activities – play a key role in shaping their expectations and behaviors. We know this because we’ve experienced it ourselves: the culture we find ourselves in can either reinforce positive, shared values or undermine them.
What does this mean for our boys today and in the future? The culture that is created today will shape the kind of men the world will inherit tomorrow.
When boys are fed a steady diet of toxic masculinity and violence in media, it can lead to distorted views of relationships and a lack of empathy.
Signs Your Son May Need More Positive Influence
How can you know if your son – or a young boy in your life – may be struggling with negative role models? You may find certain behaviors or actions betray who or what they are being influenced by online.
Stay alert to changes that might suggest your child is engaging with negative, toxic leaders online:
- Language shifts and using terms common in problematic online spaces (like “alpha,” “beta,” “simp,” or “red pill”)
- Increasing secrecy about online activities
- Growing hostility toward women or girls
- Withdrawal from real-world activities and relationships
- Obsession with appearance or status based on narrow definitions of masculine success
If you notice these signs, don’t panic—but do take them seriously. This may be the wake-up call you need to take steps toward helping your child build a healthier online presence.
How Parents Can Foster Positive Male Role Models
While we can’t control all the voices competing for our children’s attention, we can be intentional about exposing them to positive male role models. Here are practical steps you can take:
1. Start at Home
The most powerful role modeling happens in daily life. Whether you are a parent, a guardian, or an older sibling, you can help younger children – particularly boys – learn the type of life worth building for themselves:
- Share vulnerability: Boys learn emotional literacy when the men around them openly discuss feelings, challenges, and mistakes.
- Demonstrate respect: How you speak about and treat others, particularly women, creates a blueprint for your son’s future behavior.
- Celebrate diverse masculinities: Show that there are many ways to be a man—through your actions and the stories you share.
If you’re a father, stepfather, or male guardian, recognize the tremendous influence you have simply through consistent presence and time.
2. Curate Digital Content Together
Rather than only limiting screen time (though boundaries remain important), you can play a role in helping create a more “curated” online experience. Take the time to audit who and what your child may be engaging with online, and note what they teach through their words or actions.
Together, take steps to curate an online experience that favors positive role model behavior. Find content makers who promote healthy values, show authentic struggles, and avoid extremes.
As you curate, discuss what you see. When you encounter problematic messaging, use it as an opportunity for critical thinking. Most importantly, model this behavior yourself.
3. Facilitate Real-World Mentorship
Nothing can replace real-life guidance from a trusted, positive role model. The problem is, what can a boy do when those individuals aren’t in the home?
To find a role model worth modeling, you may need to get a bit creative. The good news? They’re out there if you know where to look!
- Many organizations specifically focus on providing male mentorship for boys who need it.
- Coaches and teachers often become pivotal influences when parents actively support those connections.
- Places where men of different ages gather – community centers, religious institutions, volunteer organizations – provide plenty of models of masculinity across different ages and stages of life.
4. Create Opportunities for Healthy Challenge and Failure
Boys grow by trying, experimenting, failing, and trying again. The question is, do they feel that they have a safe space to do so without fear of judgment or ridicule? Encourage boys to take healthy risks and push their limits, without having to worry about being shamed for their efforts.
As parents, we can create opportunities for our children to take healthy risks and learn from their mistakes.
- Encourage activities with natural consequences: Sports, music, crafts, and other skill-based pursuits teach that improvement comes through practice and persistence.
- Resist the urge to rescue immediately: Allow your son to experience appropriate struggle and problem-solving.
- Celebrate effort over outcome: Reinforce that courage to try matters more than perfect results.
5. Use Parental Controls as Part of a Comprehensive Approach
Sometimes, the best thing we can do to help boys avoid negative role models is to remove the source altogether. Parental control tools like Kidslox can help create boundaries around digital content, but they work best as part of a broader strategy:
- Use controls to limit exposure to harmful content while discussing why certain boundaries exist
- Create space for alternatives to screen time where genuine relationships can flourish
- Monitor for concerning online patterns that might indicate your son is being influenced by problematic content
Developing Men of Character Begins Today – With Each Of Us
The ultimate goal isn’t just to counter negative influences but to help boys develop into men of strong character. These men lead from a place of confidence and humility, showing a world where connection, emotional intelligence, respect, and responsibility have value.
As Sir Gareth Southgate concluded in his lecture, “If I’ve learned anything from my life in football, it’s that success is much more than the final score. True success is how you respond in the hardest moments.”
By intentionally surrounding our boys with men who demonstrate these qualities –both in person and through carefully selected media – we give them a foundation that can help them navigate the complexities of manhood with integrity and purpose.
The process begins today, and it starts with us. At Kidslox, we’re committed to helping parents engage with their children in ways that help them develop these crucial traits. To learn more and take the steps to build a healthier online environment, visit Kidslox today!
